club membership

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13 - 16


I am a member of that club. That unspoken club. The club that no mother ever wants reason to be a member. The club where others stumble over themselves when trying to say something encouraging or helpful. The club where membership is unfortunately plentiful and misunderstood by others.

I am a member of that club where mothers have lost their child(ren) for some reason or another. Sadly, this is a membership that renews each year on January 6th, and it's one that I cannot cancel.

I miscarried our baby when I was mere days away from entering my second trimester, and the traumatic effects of that experience still haunt me in my everyday life. I think about that sweet baby all the time, but sometimes I get real emotional triggers and I just lose it. I detailed ever morbid thought, action, and word from that nightmare in a journal, and 19 months later I cannot even stomach the thought of going back to read. I don't need to read to recall-that memory is very much alive and quite vivid, replaying in the back of my mind like a horror movie on repeat. But some part of me believes I need to re-experience those raw, written feelings as I wrote them in the hours following the loss to be close to my baby.

This is a serious misunderstanding within myself, but one I have to fight off an a regular basis. I struggle with simple enough things like scents, songs I listened to on the drive to the ER, familiar feelings of uneasiness, and the like.

I know my child is in Heaven watching after the baby sister-our child here on Earth-Ruby. I know that child is free from any complications, any temptations, and all things terrible here on Earth. I suffered through so much grief and guilt in that first week especially, but in the months following, I have truly learned what it means to know that things are in His hands. That baby served a special purpose and as hard as it was for me to understand that then (and still now, sometimes), I know that that baby was sent here to refocus my life, my relationship with my family and friends, and most importantly, my relationship and faith in God.

I know the blogging world makes the actual world seem so much smaller, but I just ache for so many of these people that lose their children. While, my sorrows and grief isn't something that can (or should) be looked upon as something that is silly due to the sheer frequency of miscarriages, I look at my situation and often compare it to people losing children that were full term, children they knew and then were taken away. I often get angry. I think to myself that these things are so unfair, and I think to myself that these people have an unbelieveable amount of faith in God for something so devastating to happen and for them to understand that there is clearly some underlying reason.

In the last few days, I have read through so many bloggers that could really use prayers, and too many of those bloggers like me, unwillingly filing for admittance into that stupid club. As hard as it is for us sometimes, it's something I am learning to accept. I am worthless without Him, and He is always in control. He has written the lives of these that have been taken from us so young, he has given them purpose, despite their life here on earth being so abrupt.

When I am sad over our baby, I picture it in God's hands and I realize the good that has come from that in so many areas of my life, including my sweet Ruby. And then I realize how mysterious God works in our lives, and that it's essential for that faith to exist in all situations.

And so it stands, I am a member of that club, and despite the fact that I hate being labeled as a Mom that has lost a baby if not for the fact that it's incredibly painful, be it for the mere reason that you are handled with pity and uncertainty by people who are unsure about the words to say. However, I can seek the good from this and know that I am a member of this club with thousands of women, and I have chosen to work on the weaknesses in my life and examine my live a little closer.

Keep on sending little club membership reminders. I can handle it all with the strength of my Lord and Savior by my side.