The Anniversary I Hate to Remember

Two years ago I experienced the worst nightmare of my life.  Only, it was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from and escape.  Two years later, and here we are-I still live that nightmare on a regular basis.

Having only been pregnant for not quite 12 weeks, it was a shock to me to feel like my life was over-to be completely drowning in a pool of despair.  There are a lot of things that I am positively ashamed of when I think back, there are specific comments and actions that make me shed tears to this day.  Smells.  Oh the smells-I know I have mentioned this before.  Smells are like a magical time machine to me-I can use a shampoo that I used six years ago and know instantly where I was in my life the last time I used it.  Sadly, losing my baby has been connected to a few smells which make me positively sick when I smell them. 

I walked a dark path for about a month.  I had some horrible thought processes-I hated being in public because I had this fear that people would pity me.  I didn't want that-I didn't want people to see me and think about me being a failure to carry a healthy baby.  I didn't want the awkward conversation stemming from people having no idea what to say.  I was so hurt, so upset, and so angry.  I can look back now and understand my emotions, but I can also see how irrational I was in a time of such sadness.  My world was rocked with the loss of our baby.  I cried myself to sleep so many nights.  I couldn't force myself to get out of bed for an entire week.  I found myself buckling under the weight of the tears at any given trigger.

I cried.  So much.  I yelled, I screamed, and I cried some more.  It just wasn't fair.  I blamed God and I blamed myself.  I wondered if there was ever going to be a live baby in my arms-in the depths of heartache, I just knew there wasn't. 

I am jaded now.  This has been a negative and a positive too.  I don't take life for granted.  I have strengthened my relationship with my husband, myself, and most importantly, God.  I no longer can sit here just boiling with anger and shout through hysterics at God for taking away my baby.

It still hurts.  It always will.  I will never ever forget the night I went through such an awful experience.  I am forever changed because of it. 

But I have Ruby.  And she isn't a replacement, but she wouldn't be here if I hadn't endured this experience and the rollercoaster afterwards.

And I am comforted knowing that our sweet angel has a full time job playing in heaven and watching over Ruby.

Until we meet again, sweet baby.  We love you (and miss you).