birth thoughts

I have been pregnant three times now.  The novelty and miraculous nature that surround pregnancy and birth are not something that fade with time or experience.  Losing a child makes is seem even more unreal to me, and I spent most of my pregnancies walking around in a haze.  I know I'm pregnant, but it's like I can't see the end until I arrive at the finish line with a baby in my arms.  The fragile nature of life is ever present and I spend a lot of time in the present, counting kicks, memorizing baby routines, and thanking God for gifting me with the title of mother.

I think about the moment I met each of my girls almost daily.  Birth is beyond my deepest comprehension of emotions all compressed into one life-changing experience.  My births were vastly different, but both came with the overwhelming encompassing of so many emotions, I don't have proper words to do the experience justice.

I didn't get the birth I envisioned with Ruby.  A surprise bout with dangerously high blood pressure left my nurses and doctor in a panic, and I was forced to have horrific medications.  On top of that, Ruby's heart didn't tolerate the contractions well at all, and she was extracted forcefully and painfully, in a way that left me feeling inept at my body's ability to give birth - something it was made to do.  I don't blame anyone for that - her heart rate dropped to the 60s and wouldn't recover; it was a scary time for all, and admittedly at that point, I would have offered to divide my body in half with a chainsaw if it had meant getting her out.  And out safely.

But it left me with feelings of inadequacy and failure for months.  


I went into Eisley's birth with a sense of hopelessness; my body doesn't do birth the right way and my babies don't tolerate it.  I just wanted it to be over.  I didn't overthink birth, I didn't prepare like I had with Ruby's, reading books and pouring over various birthing techniques.  It all seemed like such a waste of time.  Part of me always believed that my body would fail me again, but there was a longing part of that desired an alternate birth experience so badly.

Fortunately, I was completely off base with my assumptions and got a birth that everyone dreams of - something I wish everyone got to experience.  So much of that has to be credited to my doctor and my nurses.  There are so many of them that want birth to be on their terms, disregarding any feelings or wishes of the mom, trying desperately to make all births a convenient uniform experience with the use of interventions and medications.

One whirlwind, panicked birth, and one natural and relaxed birth; there was one thing that remained constant.  The overwhelming feelings of love at first sight after all is said and done are positively unreal; I don't have further words to give the feelings justice, but I wish everyone got to experience birth like I have.  Having your fears and nervous thoughts and pain washed away with tears of happiness and relief as you realize the miracle of life in the form of a tiny, perfect human being.

Indescribable.

I feel forever indebted to Him for gifting me with such experiences that have had a profound impact on my everyday life.  They have shaped my life in a way I couldn't have imagined, and I have two beautiful girls that I am honored to call daughters.

My pregnancies seemed like a marathon event; one that I wasn't in shape for emotionally or physically.  But man were those twenty six miles worth it.  Watching the book of pregnancy slam shut in miraculous moments as you meet the love of your life and venture into the motherhood chapters.

And not knowing the gender was the proverbial icing on the cake.  I can't think of a better surprise in life.  And both times I was completely brainwashed into falsely believing I was carrying a baby boy.

I feel so overwhelmed with joy and thanks as I watch this video (again and again).



Meeting Ruby post and video can be found here.