motherhood trials

We began our journey home on Friday morning; we didn't have concrete plans but knew the things we wanted to see and we planned to take things slow, spreading our trip over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to stop and see various things on our way. On Friday afternoon, I was leaning over the seat for the hundredth time to adjust things for Eisley (she actually did quite well, but she was fairly fussy at points on this day). I noticed a mark on her leg and first thought it was a typical scratch of red bump that randomly popped up as they tend to do on sensitive baby skin. Upon closer inspection, I realized it looked more like a bruise, and it was completely beneath the skin.

I practically stood on my head for further inspection and noticed there were more. These tiny red spots that looked like pin pricks, tiny broken blood vessels. She had two bigger spots that are maybe the size of her pinky nail, one of these on each leg. I later diagnosed the spots, with the help of Dr. Google, as Petechiae.

It wasn't until Saturday morning that I started googling. Her legs looked no better (but no worse) that morning and I really had a concern that it was something to be worried about. There was nothing that should have bruised her, and the red "points" were concerning too. As I googled more and more, I felt myself becoming sicker and sicker. The least of which these spots meant were an allergic reaction or trauma to the area. Neither of which were possible in my mind.

Leukemia, Leukemia, Leukemia.

With an occasional alternate fear thrown in (blood clotting disorder, lupus, or meningitis), I cried off and on for a couple of hours while tossing around options. We had no plans to come home, but I knew there was no chance of me enjoying the day. Jimmy and I talked about it being sort of a "no win" situation because if it were nothing we would regret rushing home, but if it were something and we had stayed, we would feel awful. Various hospitals were tossed around, I pondered waiting until Monday to see if I could take her into the pediatrician. Ultimately, I decided that I may not even get her in on Monday, and if I did her doctor was probably quite likely to send me elsewhere- lab, hospital, dermatologist, etc. We decided it was a better safe than sorry situation and I wanted answers as quickly as possible.

I have never been so terrified in my life, waiting to arrive at the hospital where I knew my baby would be upset by various medical procedures and where it would be a painful wait for blood results.

We had a painful IV (done in her hand because that was the best vein) - she was so ticked about being held down, she wasn't any more upset when he placed the needle. Thankfully that was a one try IV; her veins are tiny! They cath'ed her to get a urine sample and sent all of that off to the lab. Nothing came back abnormal with the exception of some white blood cells in her urine. Being that it took the nurse about three tries to place the catheter, I wonder if this was outside contamination. The doctor offered the same thoughts but again, we took the better safe than sorry route.

At this point, I have no idea what the petechiae are from, but I checked and re-checked with the doctor and nurses that the blood cultures would have shown anything to be alarmed about and they all reassured me. They gave her a dose of antibiotics in her IV and we filled a prescription for amoxicillin. She goes back to the doctor tomorrow - I'm not sure what they will check for. The red pen points are circled with a ball point pen on her leg to ensure they are not getting worse or multiplying. The doctor wondered if the carseat had put pressure on her legs and caused those spots. I can't be sure - nothing sits on her lower legs. I also am not sure when they popped up. I noticed them Friday but that certainly doesn't mean they haven't been there for days or even weeks (though I don't think so). The other thing that crossed my mind is that they were a reaction to the heat, but I talked myself out of that because she doesn't have them anywhere else.

I am quite pessimistic when it comes to things like this - once my brain hears one horrible possibility, it never releases it and I am left with paralyzing fear. Yesterday was the longest day of my life. The ER is going to cost quite a bit, but as Jimmy and I talked, I told him "You can't put a price on peace of mind when it comes to your child." He agreed. I despise ERs because generally, they are disgusting and I find the doctors to be unsure of themselves and rude many times. It wasn't too terrible last night; at least they took my fears seriously.

The one thing that was disappointing was when the nurse asked me if she was up to date on vaccinations and I replied that we delay them. She looked at me like I had eight heads so I said, "We haven't started giving her vaccinations yet." She looked concerned and said, "She hasn't had any?" At the affirmative, she said, "Can I ask why?" Instead of getting into the details of why I chose this route for both of my children, I just said, "It was a personal choice." The look of judgement across her face was rather upsetting. I don't go around and plaster my views and decisions to every surface, forum and human being I come in contact with. I'm doing what I feel is right for me and my family and I know that it doesn't mesh with many people I know. I am okay with that, but her demeanor towards me was completely altered for the rest of the night which was fairly upsettling.

Oh well.

Being a mom is the most terrifying, rewarding, and happiest journey ever. So many decisions, so many questions, and so many worried moments. I love my "job" but sometimes I drive myself crazy with horrendous possibilities. The idea of either of my girls going through pain or suffering is enough to kill me. I can't believe how in love I am with my children; it's almost a scary sort of love that a mother has...so deep and intense, I hardly know what to do with myself at times.