Three nights ago, I felt so crippled with stress and a mounting list of to dos. Looking around anxiously made me remember the laundry that piles up by the day, the dishes from that day, the crafting stuff left out - enough to swallow me whole.
Add to that a two year old (I can't say that for long!) on a mission to destroy her play kitchen and it's entire collection of foods and appliances and a baby who wouldn't stop screaming unless I held onto her. In up to my elbows in cookie dough, and I just wanted to crawl into bed. Waking up to a clean house and finished cookies would have been a huge added bonus.
As I gave up my fight with the house that seems to create messes by itself, I listened to Ruby banging in her kitchen and laid in bed with a grouchy, congested baby willing her to go to sleep so she could relax. And my mind ran. Far.
What is this life I have been living?
A tired one. One where I'm merely existing at times. A life with entirely too much on my plate. I have heard it; the people around me that make the comments about how it must be nice to do whatever I went whenever I want, as if being a mom is not enough. I gave up my job to spend precious moments with my children and I haven't completely succeeded when it comes to living life and treasuring every moment. Sometimes, I find that I have gone through an entire day only to get to the end and not really know what I accomplished that matters. I have a perfectionist mindset and am my own harshest critic. I could accomplish 125 things in a day, but if I haven't crossed off all of the items on my list, it's noted as a failure.
My favorite days? The days where we build forts, read stories, and giggle at the silly things. The days where the natural state of the house passes me by without a care. I have two beautiful girls that have grown up at such a scary pace; it's alarming and so extremely sad to know that I will never have this time back. The forts won't always be cool. Chalk, bubbles, and trips to the park won't always be such a source of glee. I watch Eisley army crawl across the house at breakneck speed and think to myself: she's off to bless the world around her with her contagious grin. She doesn't need me so much anymore, and she's growing up as fast as Ruby. Just like Ruby, she'll outgrow the thrill of peek-a-boo, the funny noises, and the delight of a spatula.
I'm getting there. It took all but a nervous breakdown after a day where nothing went right and a sobbing phone call to my mom to realize that I need to take a step back. I'm taking in the small things, I'm trusting Him, and I'm off to play with my girls.
I will say, this year has been less than stellar in so many ways. I could sit here and list the medical fears that have shattered my world, the death of Jimmy's dad, and so many other variables. But I won't. Because guess what - I have so many more things to be thankful for. I have two amazing girls, a husband who adds so much joy to the lives around him, and tremendous family. You know what else I have? The freedom to become so overloaded with things that I love, while not keeping up with a beautiful home that we live in.
Big deal.
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3 comments:
Gosh I feel like I could have written this myself.
That is exactly how I feel too Hillary. Nothing is more important than your family and everything else can wait. I never truly feel like I am able to relish every little moment with the boys because all the mundane things of life get in the way, but I am fighting against the mundane and trying to take in every second with my boys because before I know it they won't want to cuddle with me in the mornings under a blanket or they won't want me to take them to the park. I am glad I am not the only one that feels this way!
You go, girl! Love reading your posts -- wish we were closer to help with the girls; my 14-year-old daughter would so immerse herself in them. Trust in Him and nothing else matters.
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