on forgiveness and my beautiful mess

I dream of sitting down to purge the thoughts in this head.  Instead, I do things like scour antique shops for beautiful windows that tell decades of stories.  To redecorate my house.

(now they tell stories in my house, with the photos they hold.  Of life, in general)

I thought I might try and scare Jimmy as he stumbled into a dark house late tonight after a football game.  Toys put away, laundry done, nothing on the countertops.  I think he'd turn around and walk out if he didn't step on a Cinderella or some remnants of one of the fashion shows.

Instead, we went out for ice cream with friends, left the stuff in the hallway, and the laundry still on the couch.  We're pajama-clad, with a new mantle decoration, and my to-do list is no shorter.

It's real life; a beautiful mess, and I'm all zen about it right now.

ask me again how I feel in the morning.

Last weekend, I had to come face to face with something I have feared for years now.  This feels absolutely humiliating to say, but I met the other woman  that has been in my dad's life for an uncomfortable amount of time.

I say this for a handful of reasons, the least of which is to air my dirty laundry and spark negativity.  This is something that has extremely impacted my family and my life - it's a taboo topic, and it has absolutely shaken my life upside down.

But it's a huge part of my testimony and taking the path less traveled to become someone better.  I have lost pride in what was once my family unit.  And I have begged for this to be a nightmare disguised as reality.

But I have forgiven them.

I wish I could take credit for this - and say that I am the bigger person, with a heart full of love, and I know they deserve my forgiveness.  I feel like I have been dragged to this finish line of this marathon, sometimes quite unwillingly.  I fight thoughts shadowed with negativity quite often, and I have played the victim card, in my own head, and out loud, to God, or no one in particular.

I have indulged hateful thoughts and my views on various things have been jaded.

But I can tell you this with full confidence - I am a better person.  I am so far from perfect, and my thoughts have quite a range on any given day, but my heart is full of armor and more love than it once held.

I think I have to be thankful in this situation.  I have bravery I never knew about, a range of emotions that are actually quite astounding, and I have stopped to take comfort in the smallest of things that bring joy.  I am on a mission to better myself, my marriage, and my own little family.  And I'm doing it with the help of Jesus - someone that I took for granted not very long ago.

With all of the mistakes I have made, I have been shown love and grace by my biggest supporter.  I am not condemned repeatedly despite disappointing behavior.  My heart still hurts from the overall sense of betrayal that lied within our family.  There is a sense of devastation and a total loss of trust.

This isn't the life anyone envisions.  A tangled web where comfort meets awkward, and you're left trudging through piles of questions and a flood of heartache.   Suddenly I'm at the crossroads of a detour I never wished to take.  A crooked road of bitterness and anger, or a path of healing and enriching lessons for my soul.

I know where I want to be.  And I'm free.

What forgiveness is to me:  a loss of bitterness, a transformation in my head and my heart, and a passion for love when someone least deserves it.  A person just like me.

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And because I need a place to document this semi-related post - a sweet friend sent me the link to this and said it made her think of me.  I am truly honored, and I hope that one day something about me can read similarly.  Read THIS - I promise it will make you smile.